She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Randomize
