Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
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