You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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