She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
