She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
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