If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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