I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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