Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
