why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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