I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
