Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
