Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
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