Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
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