i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
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