Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
tequila makes me forget i have legs
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
