Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
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