If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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