i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize