I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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