Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
