My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Randomize
