so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
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