wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
