My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
