I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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