he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
