And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Randomize
