So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
