I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
You ever have a fart follow you around?
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
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