Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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