Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Randomize
