Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
