I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
