Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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