Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
