He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Randomize
