the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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