you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
