Whatcha textin bout Willis?
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize