I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
