i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
