I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
