last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i need an iv and a liver transplant
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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