he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Randomize
