I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
