Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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