you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Randomize
