i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize