You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
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