Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize