i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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