Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
