What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I'm experimenting with sincerity
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
