My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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