Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
