i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
